Notes for a New Mother

It's actually happening. You're having a baby. You're eating right, sleeping right, exercising right, and are reading all the stuff you're supposed to. The secret is out, and admit it: you're wearing maternity clothes so that no one can possibly imagine that you're just eating a wee bit too much at mealtimes.

Now comes a wonderful time in a pregnant woman's life that the books all refer to as "nesting". Personally, I think it's just the time when it actually hits you that you're going to have to make a space to put this little person who's due to arrive. Not only a space, but provide food, clothing, shelter, and entertainment.

In response to a query about whether or not she really needed all the stuff displayed at the baby store, I recently gave out the following gems of maternal experience to an expectant mother:

#1: What somebody else found to be indispensable may not be to you or your baby.

#2: A baby bathtub may not be entirely necessary (but then a very clean kitchen sink will be!)

#3: You will probably get a lot of baby blankets and cute outfits as presents. I don't know why, but when a woman who is done having children goes into the baby section of the store, all thoughts of sensible fly out of her mind and she gets the most adorable damn outfit she can find (usually also the one which is the most impractical to dress the kid in.)

#4: Grandmas are famous for blankets. I don't know why, they just are. You'll need a lot of them because the kid will spit up and pee and poop on everything at least once, if not all at the same time.

#5: Wait to get the gym, bouncer thingy, and/or swing until you're tired of holding your adorable precious baby. This may take years.

#6: Wipe warmer dries out wipes. Unless you want to stumble around at 3 o'clock in the morning looking for some with cleaning solution on them as the kid wails and flails questionable excretions all over, I suggest skipping the wipe warmer.

#7: Have one pack of size 1 diapers in the house ready for baby. Otherwise, buy as you go. Unless you want stacks of diapers that don't fit the kid stacked in your place masquerading as truly avante guard art.

#8: Shoes: personally, I bought a lot of clothes with feet in them. My children were forever losing their socks, so this was the only way I could still find them. (The socks that is, not the baby.)

#9: Despite all your best intentions to breast feed your baby, there will be a time when your boobs are really sore, she's fed, and the kid won't stop yelling. Since this will in all probability occur at 4 a.m., I suggest having a pacifier on hand. Get one of the rubber ones, not the clear silicone kind. It says "NUK" on it. Don't let anyone fool you - the kid won't get confused between you and the nuk.

#10 Bag to hold all the stuff when you do, indeed, actually leave the house. Diaper bags come in all shapes, colors, and sizes these days. Do not get the flowery or cutesy kind. This gives husband all the excuse he will ever need to not have to carry the diaper bag. Unless you want to be consistently relegated to toting the suitcase that now is part of the requirements for leaving the house, get a diaper bag with a rugged pattern to camouflage the changing pad and butt cream therein.

#11: What the hell else is your husband there for, if not to be dispatched to buy anything the baby (or you) needs RIGHT NOW? (Be careful with this one, as overuse past the first 30 days of the kid's life may cause him to suspect a lack of planning on your part.

Back to School

Two other moms in my neighborhood and I did the back to school happy dance this afternoon. We've concluded that we are the only ones who actually openly admit what the whole block is thinking. "YES! GOODBYE SUMMER! THE KIDS ARE GOING BACK TO SCHOOL AND I DON'T HAVE TO ENTERTAIN THEM ALL DAY LONG ANYMORE!" For Jacque, Sherry, and I, none of this sappy fake sadness that our babies are growing up and going off to school. I tasted my freedom last year, and man, does it taste good. Our three boys, ages 8, 5, and 3 are off to school tomorrow and I couldn't be more thrilled.

I've spent the last three months going to the library, swimming pool, playground, water park, karate, gymnastics, and to the bathroom with three boys in tow and I am ready for school. The cons don't even begin to tilt the scales when you consider the pros. For the small price of feeding, dressing, and delivering three children to school I get the holy grail of motherhood: 6 entire hours to myself.

6 hours to go for a run without stopping every 10 seconds to admire rocks, go grocery shopping in peace, take a shower without company, speak to another adult without being interrupted, read the paper, and maybe even pursue my hobby (mosaics). The possibilities are endless. And for anyone who calls me a selfish, shallow woman, I merely would like to point out that I've sacrificed myself on the altar of full time mothering for 8 years, so back off.


That's what I'm telling myself. The truth is, I'm going to be a mess tomorrow. Our middle son, Andy, is going to his first day of kindergarten.